S.e.L.a.H.

Blog, is where I want to express my feelings, be it happiness, sadness, depression, frustration, sense of accomplishment, anything....

Blog, is where I want to let certain people know what's in my mind... Even though I didn't start this blog with intention for people to read....

Blog, is where I keep my memories to serve as reminder of what I have been through and I really want to remember them at that moment....

But recently I was very inactive in my blog... Reason being I have lost the ability to express my myself through words... I seldom even write my diary.... And I wonder why....

I often stared at the blank space, knowing there's a lot of thoughts in my mind, but I just do not know where and how to start....

Probably I have become reluctant to share? Or scared to let others know what's in my mind? I seriously do not know....

Life has been very different after started working.... A lot of ups and downs.... Sometimes I can be very busy with events and activities and appointments and plans... Sometimes I can be so laid back that I can do nonsense at home, alone.... Sometimes I can do nothing at all, except sleep and eat.... I think it has been awhile that I really escape myself from everything, be away and be with myself and GOD.... I think I need a break from the hustle and bustle of city life.... I think I need to have a place and time that I can be with God... I think I have too many things to be settled with Him... I think I need a Selah... Suggestion of place, anyone?? Somehow, I missed the meditation time we had in Camp Cameron which many people complained it's too long... I missed having Selah at the Ayer Itam dam... I missed being in the nature, sitting there alone and letting my mind free.... Free for all thoughts to come out, thoughts that have been in my mind and I am not aware of... Free for God to fill His words...

Anyone thinks he/she need a Selah too and want to go with me? =)

王力宏「你不知道的事」《戀愛通告》主題曲完整版MV ENG SUBS

T.i.R.eD.

Here am I sitting in the restaurant of Grand Bluewave Hotel in Shah Alam blogging while my mind is not really functioning well... We (my company) had a dinner here yesterday night and we have customers who stayed overnight and hence here I am to make sure no one left behind in hotel.... About this First 5 Star Hotel in Malaysia, I shall blog about it very SOON when I am refreshed and regenerated as there are too much for me to comment about it. Well, I am exhausted..... Went back home around 2 yesterday night and woke up at 6....... Maybe I shouldn't complain much because at least I still have 4 hours to sleep... But still, I am the kind of person who need a lot of SLEEP! So.... I am just too boring and I really think I should stop here......

C.O.N.F.E.S.S.I.O.N

Today, He spoke to me in church through the speaker... Right into my heart.... Usually, I might feel that the sermons can be related to my life. But this ONE, it felt as if it was especially for me... Something I need to come to realization, something I need to face it whether I want it or not...

He started the sermon with a very simple and funny story. It was about a tortoise family which planned to go for a picnic... It took them years to decide.... Finally, they started their journey... And it took them maybe 7 years to get to the destination. You know how slow they move... When they finally arrived, they realized that they forgot to bring something. So they cast lots to choose who to go back and get the stuff. The youngest tortoise was chosen. So before it leaves, it told the rest that they can never start eating the food they brought before it comes back. So they agreed and it left... On the 8th year, still no sign of the youngest tortoise. So the eldest in the family started to say, "If no one is going to start eating, I will." Then.... From behind one tree at the back of the tortoises, the youngest tortoise jumped out and said, " See!!! I knew it! I knew it! You guys will not wait for me!!! Luckily I did not leave!!" Funny.... All of us laughed... But the moral of the story is-- Many of us, after being hurt or disappointed, we act like the youngest tortoise... We will wait for the chance to jump out and say, "See! I told you! I told you it's not going to work this way..." And that makes us feel better... and this happens because we hold grudge towards the people who disappointed us in the past...

I have not forgiven "someone" for quite a long time. I thought I did or I simply did not want to admit that I have not. That person disappointed me so so much despite all the good I have done and all the efforts I have put in for something. I was filled with anger towards that person for all the damages caused in me. I did not realize how much it influenced me or I chose not to see it. I have become a different person. Sometimes, I need to accept the fact that I have become kind of anti-social... I kept telling myself that it's ok for me to spend time alone to deal with my emotions... But the more I do, the more depressed I have become. I have become more careful with people. Too careful that sometimes it might be hard for people to reach... I get frustrated more easily with friends, with little things they do, simply because I constantly felt being taken for granted... And that's who I have become and the reason I found it hard to fit in in church sometimes. I lived in denial... Denying that I was NOT fine... Denying that I have not let it go... Denying that what I was doing wasn't right... Denying that I did not forgive that person all these while. Denying the reason why that it still influences me so much... Today, HE told me that I need to let go of the grudges... I need to start realizing and admitting all these things in order to do what HE has put in my heart to do for His kingdom. I knew what I need to do but I do not know how because I cannot put myself to love others as I am so afraid of being hurt and disappointed. But my joy and strength should not come from performance of my service but from the relationship I have with HIM, knowing HIM and walking in HIS presence each day....

This is what I want to write down to remind myself of what HE has spoken to me today. This may not be the day that I can totally get over it and be a new person. This may not be the day that I have totally changed and will be totally fine from now on, but it will be the day where it starts to heal.... How long will it take? I do not know... I have taken this long to realize the need to let it go... So I do not know how long more do I need till the day I am totally fine... But this post will serve as a reminder for me to draw strength from my LORD who told me that I will not be alone in this journey... This post is to help me not forgetting what I felt from the LORD.... And posting it out is probably like making a confession to friends who care to know.... So that they will pray for me, back me up and knock my head if I am slacking.... And most importantly confession and declaration to HIM that I want this change in my life.

And I want to say to that person, "I forgive you for what you have done consciously or unconsciously all these while."

m.I.s.T.a.K.e.

I have made a mistake AGAIN!!! This time is slightly more serious.... It was my mistake, my carelessness, my fault! No one to blame... I am very angry with myself for my carelessness... Sometimes I really do not understand how can I be so careless, so forgetful, so slow.... For one moment, I felt like hitting my head to the wall.... Kek sei.... My seniors covered or settled it for me... To make me feel worse, he did not even scold me... He just "tegur" me to be more careful next time... And the other one was just laughing at me... I was all prepared to be scolded and lectured... However, that mistake gave me the urge to be extra extra extra careful next time.... I would rather take slightly longer time than doing mistakes again.... I will try my very very best to be alert and careful and NOT to repeat the same mistake another time.... And now I experienced why people says, "Through mistakes, you'll learn..."

I may not be the clever one or the fast learner, but I really really want to try... That's why I chose this job. I like what I am doing. True that I am exposed to the slightly uglier side of the world, but that's the truth... Many people couldn't understand why I chose this job... So not me.... I want to challenge myself... I want to believe and prove that I can.... I want the change.... So I will try harder tomorrow.... I will try harder to be better.... =)

*Praying hard I won't be so blur again...=P*

~~HoMe~~

Have been MIA for quite some time... That was because I was kinda busy.... Kinda lazy.... Kinda do not know where to start to blog....

Well, just back from hometown. Many people asked, "Why so rush?" Hm.... The urge to go home? =) And also commitment... and most importantly, to celebrate mum's birthday.... I didn't really like going back home when I was in campus... Honestly.... Probably it was because I was too near to home, so I took it for granted... Or just because I like having time for my own and be away from all problems and complaints... But now, I will look forward to go home every month... Trying my best to go home every month... Probably that was why I wanted to leave home so much, so that I will learn to appreciate my home.... To learn to be independent... To let mum knows that I can be independent and it's time that she should let me to be....

Even though it was just a short time spent together, it was meaningful and fruitful and also eventful... =) Even though it was quite tiring to travel back after three days in a row working OT from Wednesday to Friday, the long sleep on Saturday which compensated the lack of sleep sort of energized me... Even though the celebration was simple and normal, I believe our presence was what mum desires the most.

Lot more to blog.... But I think I should save it for next time.... Because it's time to rest... Praying for a good week ahead....

刺猬

和这一首。。。