He started the sermon with a very simple and funny story. It was about a tortoise family which planned to go for a picnic... It took them years to decide.... Finally, they started their journey... And it took them maybe 7 years to get to the destination. You know how slow they move... When they finally arrived, they realized that they forgot to bring something. So they cast lots to choose who to go back and get the stuff. The youngest tortoise was chosen. So before it leaves, it told the rest that they can never start eating the food they brought before it comes back. So they agreed and it left... On the 8th year, still no sign of the youngest tortoise. So the eldest in the family started to say, "If no one is going to start eating, I will." Then.... From behind one tree at the back of the tortoises, the youngest tortoise jumped out and said, " See!!! I knew it! I knew it! You guys will not wait for me!!! Luckily I did not leave!!" Funny.... All of us laughed... But the moral of the story is-- Many of us, after being hurt or disappointed, we act like the youngest tortoise... We will wait for the chance to jump out and say, "See! I told you! I told you it's not going to work this way..." And that makes us feel better... and this happens because we hold grudge towards the people who disappointed us in the past...
I have not forgiven "someone" for quite a long time. I thought I did or I simply did not want to admit that I have not. That person disappointed me so so much despite all the good I have done and all the efforts I have put in for something. I was filled with anger towards that person for all the damages caused in me. I did not realize how much it influenced me or I chose not to see it. I have become a different person. Sometimes, I need to accept the fact that I have become kind of anti-social... I kept telling myself that it's ok for me to spend time alone to deal with my emotions... But the more I do, the more depressed I have become. I have become more careful with people. Too careful that sometimes it might be hard for people to reach... I get frustrated more easily with friends, with little things they do, simply because I constantly felt being taken for granted... And that's who I have become and the reason I found it hard to fit in in church sometimes. I lived in denial... Denying that I was NOT fine... Denying that I have not let it go... Denying that what I was doing wasn't right... Denying that I did not forgive that person all these while. Denying the reason why that it still influences me so much... Today, HE told me that I need to let go of the grudges... I need to start realizing and admitting all these things in order to do what HE has put in my heart to do for His kingdom. I knew what I need to do but I do not know how because I cannot put myself to love others as I am so afraid of being hurt and disappointed. But my joy and strength should not come from performance of my service but from the relationship I have with HIM, knowing HIM and walking in HIS presence each day....
This is what I want to write down to remind myself of what HE has spoken to me today. This may not be the day that I can totally get over it and be a new person. This may not be the day that I have totally changed and will be totally fine from now on, but it will be the day where it starts to heal.... How long will it take? I do not know... I have taken this long to realize the need to let it go... So I do not know how long more do I need till the day I am totally fine... But this post will serve as a reminder for me to draw strength from my LORD who told me that I will not be alone in this journey... This post is to help me not forgetting what I felt from the LORD.... And posting it out is probably like making a confession to friends who care to know.... So that they will pray for me, back me up and knock my head if I am slacking.... And most importantly confession and declaration to HIM that I want this change in my life.
And I want to say to that person, "I forgive you for what you have done consciously or unconsciously all these while."
