C.O.N.F.E.S.S.I.O.N

Today, He spoke to me in church through the speaker... Right into my heart.... Usually, I might feel that the sermons can be related to my life. But this ONE, it felt as if it was especially for me... Something I need to come to realization, something I need to face it whether I want it or not...

He started the sermon with a very simple and funny story. It was about a tortoise family which planned to go for a picnic... It took them years to decide.... Finally, they started their journey... And it took them maybe 7 years to get to the destination. You know how slow they move... When they finally arrived, they realized that they forgot to bring something. So they cast lots to choose who to go back and get the stuff. The youngest tortoise was chosen. So before it leaves, it told the rest that they can never start eating the food they brought before it comes back. So they agreed and it left... On the 8th year, still no sign of the youngest tortoise. So the eldest in the family started to say, "If no one is going to start eating, I will." Then.... From behind one tree at the back of the tortoises, the youngest tortoise jumped out and said, " See!!! I knew it! I knew it! You guys will not wait for me!!! Luckily I did not leave!!" Funny.... All of us laughed... But the moral of the story is-- Many of us, after being hurt or disappointed, we act like the youngest tortoise... We will wait for the chance to jump out and say, "See! I told you! I told you it's not going to work this way..." And that makes us feel better... and this happens because we hold grudge towards the people who disappointed us in the past...

I have not forgiven "someone" for quite a long time. I thought I did or I simply did not want to admit that I have not. That person disappointed me so so much despite all the good I have done and all the efforts I have put in for something. I was filled with anger towards that person for all the damages caused in me. I did not realize how much it influenced me or I chose not to see it. I have become a different person. Sometimes, I need to accept the fact that I have become kind of anti-social... I kept telling myself that it's ok for me to spend time alone to deal with my emotions... But the more I do, the more depressed I have become. I have become more careful with people. Too careful that sometimes it might be hard for people to reach... I get frustrated more easily with friends, with little things they do, simply because I constantly felt being taken for granted... And that's who I have become and the reason I found it hard to fit in in church sometimes. I lived in denial... Denying that I was NOT fine... Denying that I have not let it go... Denying that what I was doing wasn't right... Denying that I did not forgive that person all these while. Denying the reason why that it still influences me so much... Today, HE told me that I need to let go of the grudges... I need to start realizing and admitting all these things in order to do what HE has put in my heart to do for His kingdom. I knew what I need to do but I do not know how because I cannot put myself to love others as I am so afraid of being hurt and disappointed. But my joy and strength should not come from performance of my service but from the relationship I have with HIM, knowing HIM and walking in HIS presence each day....

This is what I want to write down to remind myself of what HE has spoken to me today. This may not be the day that I can totally get over it and be a new person. This may not be the day that I have totally changed and will be totally fine from now on, but it will be the day where it starts to heal.... How long will it take? I do not know... I have taken this long to realize the need to let it go... So I do not know how long more do I need till the day I am totally fine... But this post will serve as a reminder for me to draw strength from my LORD who told me that I will not be alone in this journey... This post is to help me not forgetting what I felt from the LORD.... And posting it out is probably like making a confession to friends who care to know.... So that they will pray for me, back me up and knock my head if I am slacking.... And most importantly confession and declaration to HIM that I want this change in my life.

And I want to say to that person, "I forgive you for what you have done consciously or unconsciously all these while."

m.I.s.T.a.K.e.

I have made a mistake AGAIN!!! This time is slightly more serious.... It was my mistake, my carelessness, my fault! No one to blame... I am very angry with myself for my carelessness... Sometimes I really do not understand how can I be so careless, so forgetful, so slow.... For one moment, I felt like hitting my head to the wall.... Kek sei.... My seniors covered or settled it for me... To make me feel worse, he did not even scold me... He just "tegur" me to be more careful next time... And the other one was just laughing at me... I was all prepared to be scolded and lectured... However, that mistake gave me the urge to be extra extra extra careful next time.... I would rather take slightly longer time than doing mistakes again.... I will try my very very best to be alert and careful and NOT to repeat the same mistake another time.... And now I experienced why people says, "Through mistakes, you'll learn..."

I may not be the clever one or the fast learner, but I really really want to try... That's why I chose this job. I like what I am doing. True that I am exposed to the slightly uglier side of the world, but that's the truth... Many people couldn't understand why I chose this job... So not me.... I want to challenge myself... I want to believe and prove that I can.... I want the change.... So I will try harder tomorrow.... I will try harder to be better.... =)

*Praying hard I won't be so blur again...=P*

~~HoMe~~

Have been MIA for quite some time... That was because I was kinda busy.... Kinda lazy.... Kinda do not know where to start to blog....

Well, just back from hometown. Many people asked, "Why so rush?" Hm.... The urge to go home? =) And also commitment... and most importantly, to celebrate mum's birthday.... I didn't really like going back home when I was in campus... Honestly.... Probably it was because I was too near to home, so I took it for granted... Or just because I like having time for my own and be away from all problems and complaints... But now, I will look forward to go home every month... Trying my best to go home every month... Probably that was why I wanted to leave home so much, so that I will learn to appreciate my home.... To learn to be independent... To let mum knows that I can be independent and it's time that she should let me to be....

Even though it was just a short time spent together, it was meaningful and fruitful and also eventful... =) Even though it was quite tiring to travel back after three days in a row working OT from Wednesday to Friday, the long sleep on Saturday which compensated the lack of sleep sort of energized me... Even though the celebration was simple and normal, I believe our presence was what mum desires the most.

Lot more to blog.... But I think I should save it for next time.... Because it's time to rest... Praying for a good week ahead....

刺猬

和这一首。。。

First Working Day of the Year 2010! Another small step towards my resolution of the year~

I did well today.... Proud of myself, and I am sure He does too.... I was supposed to rest earlier today but my dearest bro-in-Christ suddenly sent me a text to ask us to tune to red fm because he dedicated a song to us. Though I do not have radio, but we're in a canggih era now that I can still tune in to red fm using internet. Oh man, he's on the line! Haha... OK, no one actually dedicated songs to me like that... And "bro, as much as we saw you through, you guys see me through as well. It's truly God's blessing that we have each other as bro and sis who cheer each other on. I know that our God has been there with us... And He is still with us... Surrender those feelings that you do not like to Him, and you'll be surprised with what He can do..."

My MUST ACHIEVE New Year Resolution for this year!!!

I have a long list of resolutions for this year. But one thing that is very very important for me is to let go. Letting go is never easy, I guess. At least for me, it is... I have a stubborn heart. People who knows me well enough will know. If you don't think so, maybe you do not know me good enough... Haha... Let go and let God is what I want to do starting from right now... Maybe no one will understand. But HE does... HE will see me through and HE will grant me sufficient strength and grace that will make sure I end each day with a thankful and grateful heart. Because of HIM, I know I can look at myself as a new person because HE has forgiven the mistakes I have done. HE made me look at the guilt that I tried to hide in the deepest corner of my heart and HE let me know that HE will take it away so that I can start anew. This hole in my heart, there's no one else but only HIM alone can fill... I am waiting patiently for this day that the wound is finally be completely healed... I trust this day will come soon...

Today is the first Sunday service of the year. I enjoyed every song sang during the Praise & Worship session. God always speaks in HIS very special way. He always sends comfort in the way I am least expected and I am thankful. I will walk tall each day because I know for sure my God is by my side....

"Thank you, my Abba Father..."

A Story To Share....

A story that was emailed to me by a lovely sister I knew through SWEEP... Just thought want to share with people who reads my blog... May your soul be blessed...

I sat, with two friends, in the picture window of a quaint restaurant
just off the corner of the town-square. The food and the company were both especially good that day.


As we talked, my attention was drawn outside, across the street. There, walking into town was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back. He was carrying, a well-worn sign that read, 'I will work for food.' My heart sank.


I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others
around us had stopped eating to focus on him. Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief.

We continued with our meal, but his image lingered in my mind. We
finished our meal and went our separate ways. I had errands to do and
quickly set out to accomplish them. I glanced toward the town square,
looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor. I was fearful,
knowing that seeing him again would call some response. I drove through town and saw nothing of him. I made some purchases at a store and got back in my car.

Deep within me, the Spirit of God kept speaking to me: 'Don't go back to the office until you've at least driven once more around the square..'


Then with some hesitancy, I headed back into town. As I turned the
square's third corner, I saw him. He was standing on the steps of the store front church, going through his sack.

I stopped and looked; feeling both compelled to speak to him, yet
wanting to drive on. The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God: an invitation to park. I pulled in, got out and approached the town's newest visitor.

'Looking for the pastor?' I asked.

'Not really,' he replied, 'just resting.'

'Have you eaten today?'

'Oh, I ate something early this morning.'

'Would you like to have lunch with me?'

'Do you have some work I could do for you?'

'No work,' I replied 'I commute here to work from the city, but I would
like to take you to lunch.'

'Sure,' he replied with a smile.

As he began to gather his things, I asked some surface questions. Where you headed?'

'St. Louis.'

'Where you from?'

'Oh, all over; mostly Florida.'

'How long you been walking?'

'Fourteen years,' came the reply.

I knew I had met someone unusual. We sat across from each other in the same restaurant I had left earlier. His face was weathered slightly beyond his 38 years. His eyes were dark yet clear, and he spoke with an eloquence and articulation that was startling. He removed his jacket to reveal a bright red T-shirt that said, 'Jesus is The Never Ending Story.'

Then Daniel's story began to unfold. He had seen rough times early in
life. He'd made some wrong choices and reaped the consequences. Fourteen years earlier, while backpacking across the country, he had stopped on the beach in Daytona. He tried to hire on with some men who were putting up a large tent and some equipment. A concert, he thought.

He was hired, but the tent would not house a concert but revival
services, and in those services he saw life more clearly. He gave his life
over to God

'Nothing's been the same since,' he said, 'I felt the Lord telling me to
keep walking, and so I did, some 14 years now.'

'Ever think of stopping?' I asked.

'Oh, once in a while, when it seems to get the best of me But God has
given me this calling. I give out Bibles, that's what's in my sack. I work
to buy food and Bibles, and I give them out when His Spirit leads.'

I sat amazed. My homeless friend was not homeless. He was on a mission and lived this way by choice. The question burned inside for a moment and then I asked: 'What's it like?'

'What?'

'To walk into a town carrying all your things on your back and to show
your sign?'

'Oh, it was humiliating at first. People would stare and make comments. Once someone tossed a piece of half-eaten bread and made a gesture that certainly didn't make me feel welcome. But then it became humbling to realize that God was using me to touch lives and change people's concepts of other folks like me.'

My concept was changing, too. We finished our dessert and gathered his things. Just outside the door, he paused He turned to me and said, 'Come Ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I've prepared for you. For when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me drink, a stranger and you took me in.'

I felt as if we were on holy ground. 'Could you use another Bible?' I
asked.

He said he preferred a certain translation. It traveled well and was not
too heavy. It was also his personal favorite.. 'I've read through it 14
times,' he said.

'I'm not sure we've got one of those, but let's stop by our church and
see' I was able to find my new friend a Bible that would do well, and he
seemed very grateful.

'Where are you headed from here?' I asked. 'Well, I found this little map on the back of this amusement park coupon.'

'Are you hoping to hire on there for awhile?'

'No, I just figure I should go there. I figure someone under that star
right there needs a Bible, so that's where I'm going next.'


He smiled, and the warmth of his spirit radiated the sincerity of his
mission. I drove him back to the town-square where we'd met two hours
earlier, and as we drove, it started raining. We parked and unloaded his
things.


'Would you sign my autograph book?' he asked. 'I like to keep messages from folks I meet.'

I wrote in his little book that his commitment to his calling had
touched my life. I encouraged him to stay strong. And I left him with a
verse of scripture from Jeremiah, 'I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; Plans to give you a future and a hope.'

'Thanks, man,' he said. 'I know we just met and we're really just
strangers, but I love you.'

'I know,' I said, 'I love you, too.' 'The Lord is good!'


'Yes, He is. How long has it been since someone hugged you?' I asked.

A long time,' he replied

And so on the busy street corner in the drizzling rain, my new friend and I embraced, and I felt deep inside that I had been changed.. He put his things on his back, smiled his winning smile and said, 'See you in the New Jerusalem.'

'I'll be there!' was my reply.

He began his journey again. He headed away with his sign dangling from his bedroll and pack of Bibles. He stopped, turned and said, 'When you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?'

'You bet,' I shouted back, 'God bless.'

'God bless.' And that was the last I saw of him.

Late that evening as I left my office, the wind blew strong. The cold
front had settled hard upon the town. I bundled up and hurried to my car. As I sat back and reached for the emergency brake, I saw them.... a pair of well-worn brown work gloves neatly laid over the length of the handle. I picked them up and thought of my friend and wondered if his hands would stay warm that night without them.

Then I remembered his words: 'If you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?'

Today his gloves lie on my desk in my office. They help me to see the
world and its people in a new way, and they help me remember those two hours with my unique friend and to pray for his ministry. 'See you in the New Jerusalem,' he said. Yes, Daniel, I know I will...

'I shall pass this way but once. Therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness that I can show, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again.'